13 May 2010

sit back and lets be honest

i am in a very emotional state lately.
i am under so much stress, so much pressure...i have cried everyday this week. gator-sized tears. i feel like....i am absolutely helpless of all things. i know its God...prying and trying to get me to hand it all over to Him. i just feel like i see the hour glass constantly being tipped and i am stuck...and time keeps going, but i stand still. my life is constantly in a standstill. while i should be planning a wedding (for what i would love to be next week)..i find myself still without a date (since december!) because i have to try to cater to everyones wishes and schedules. i see the people around me...my age...and younger...moving on with life...making families...growing up...and i remain locked behind the four walls of the bedroom i grew up in. it would be one thing if i had no other options...but i do. but i dont. i could never just......UGHHHHHHHH! i want to yank my hair out. i am so tired. i am tired of crying. i am tired of not knowing.
on top of it...work has really got me down. i am not enjoying it at all and i cannot even wait until summer break. although day camp starts right up when school lets out. i seriously want a year off...to sleep in...do what i want...enjoy life. i feel like i am missing out. ill be honest. every moment is filled right up. i hate it. i can never be me! no one lets me make decisions....then when they want me to, i cant because they have for me my whole life! i am tired of this. i will never be the free-spirit my heart is. i am always tied down and it sucks. i hate it. i hate every moment of it. i hate it. there is so much i want to do....and stupid things stand in my way. i hate being a hypocrite to myself.
gahhh. i want to scream. instead ill just cry....because thats what i know.

my head hurts.

one day, i am destined to finally drive myself insane. there is so much.....so much. ugh. so much wasted time.

its raining. im cold. and tired.

and i was bored...so i did this for the heck of it: personality quiz Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.
Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.
Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.
Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.