13 May 2010

sit back and lets be honest

i am in a very emotional state lately.
i am under so much stress, so much pressure...i have cried everyday this week. gator-sized tears. i feel like....i am absolutely helpless of all things. i know its God...prying and trying to get me to hand it all over to Him. i just feel like i see the hour glass constantly being tipped and i am stuck...and time keeps going, but i stand still. my life is constantly in a standstill. while i should be planning a wedding (for what i would love to be next week)..i find myself still without a date (since december!) because i have to try to cater to everyones wishes and schedules. i see the people around me...my age...and younger...moving on with life...making families...growing up...and i remain locked behind the four walls of the bedroom i grew up in. it would be one thing if i had no other options...but i do. but i dont. i could never just......UGHHHHHHHH! i want to yank my hair out. i am so tired. i am tired of crying. i am tired of not knowing.
on top of it...work has really got me down. i am not enjoying it at all and i cannot even wait until summer break. although day camp starts right up when school lets out. i seriously want a year off...to sleep in...do what i want...enjoy life. i feel like i am missing out. ill be honest. every moment is filled right up. i hate it. i can never be me! no one lets me make decisions....then when they want me to, i cant because they have for me my whole life! i am tired of this. i will never be the free-spirit my heart is. i am always tied down and it sucks. i hate it. i hate every moment of it. i hate it. there is so much i want to do....and stupid things stand in my way. i hate being a hypocrite to myself.
gahhh. i want to scream. instead ill just cry....because thats what i know.

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