14 November 2009

i swear my saturdays never go as planned...

thankful thirty #14.....i am thankful for cell phones. well, i should actually be saying that i am thankful for best friends who just so happen to lend their spare cell phones to a friend, aka muah, to replace her broken cell phone, for situations like todays.....{thanks cais}

right off the bat i will tell you that i am sorry if this is all rambled up and hard to follow....i still feel mentally exhausted from what happened....and i am tired to boot. so...here is what happened....

this morning {around 8ish} my sister finally decided that today would be a perfect "lakeside mall" day {soooo much better of a mall than ours...and just 45-minutes away}...we figured the boys and corey always go play flag football in the afternoon with friends and dad said he had work to do...so we got around to get some early christmas {gasp!} shopping done. we decided to hit all of our favorite "outside of the mall" stores...like tjmaxx {yes! i got my steve madden boots!!}, old navy and michaels...then we grabbed some taco bell for lunch. it was about 12:30 or so when we finally made it into the mall....we headed straight to macy's and my phone rang.

it was dad.
in a panic.
i couldn't even totally understand what he was saying.
all i could make out was the words "excruciating pain" and "im driving myself to the ER"
i started to freak out and told him that we were on our way home.
we knew nothing...except dad was in trouble and no one was home....and that we had a 45-minute drive.

since the boys were playing football we couldnt get ahold of them. we called my aunt and uncle but they live 40-minutes away themselves and my uncle was at work. unfortunately, since my phone died, i havent bothered to put anyones number in my phone...and becca didnt have very many peoples number either.....and in all honesty, we dont have very many people to call.

ill be honest. i tried not to cry. but behind my oversized rimmed sunglasses, i was a mess. i couldn't help but think about a phone call similar...5 years ago. i had the same gut-wrenching feeling.....the sense of helplessness....the sense of fear...{ 2 timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. } i kept praying. i kept thinking..."God no. i cannot handle this again. im not strong enough" ...{ 2 samuel 22:40 For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me. } i kept wondering why all of these things keep bombarding my family and i. tears began to pour down my face as i began to think about mom.....about how today, of all days, was her birthday.....how today, i would have to go back to that wicked place.....how today, i would listen to my fathers screams and pain over the phone....not knowing what i could do.

my mind warred. my car raced. i needed to get to the hospital. then meme called....to encourage me to keep praying. to tell me that everyone on the prayer chain was contacted.....as i cried. she prayed. { james 5:16 The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. }

those 45-minutes in the car flew by....but in the same breath, didn't fly by fast enough.

we reached the hospital....escaped the parking lot....only to wait in the ER until they allowed us to go back to see dad. the knowles were there....and they had already seen him. there was talk of an appendix bursting or a kidney stone. both sounded much better than the paths my mind had wandered down. i was finally beginning to calm myself when the nurse lady let rebecca and i go into the back room.

then there he was. screaming. turning in agonizing pain. i couldnt stop the tears. i felt as though i had no control. i knew he was in pain.....the man who rarely takes medicine for anything had driven himself to the ER and was lying their hooked up to IVs....vomiting and biting his finger to numb all other feelings. when i had found out that he had already been in the waiting room for 30-minutes and was waiting in this room on a cot for quite some time...i got angry. i marched out and demanded that a nurse get back into the room and get him pain meds....he was seriously in need of them. {this makes me hate PH hospital even THAT much more....i already lost one parent there...and i wasnt about to lose another}...i was glad when the boys and corey finally showed up {muddy, stinky and scratched from football} because i needed to take my mind off the pain i saw.

eventually....after 3-hours.....we finally heard word that it was in fact a kidney stone. giving it a name just made me feel that much better. not knowing had really paralyzed me. i hate hospitals. i really do. i get major league anxiety attacks.....my legs literally feel like they stop working and i feel like i am going to vomit....i cant stop from crying when i am there either {just ask avis about when she had joshua....i had to leave....and i was just in the maternity ward at a different hospital visiting them....i literally had to escape the eery presence of bitter memories}

...now its just after 10:30 and dad is finally doing okay. we didnt even have to go pick up his prescription because almost an hour after we got home, it passed. talk about a miracle.

i just thank God that everything turned out okay.....He is definately teaching me to be strong...and not fret. it is extremely hard for me to not freak out....to not have a panic attack.....especially when ive been there before....in that helpless state. and then for this to happen today....when dad was all alone.....i felt like the worst daughter in the world.....but regardless....God was telling me that it was all in His hands....it always has been and always will be....{1 peter 5:7 Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you}


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