28 March 2008

here's to the good life.

god, sometimes i can be really pathetic you know. i could care who reads this right now....im in a moment. a moment that i hate but i'm here, so lets go with it. i hate how everything changes. my life was majorly altered almost 4 years ago now and it will never go back to the way it was. "change is good" they say. "i've been there" they say. "everything will work out" they say. yeah, well i am ready for that everything to fall into place....because no, you haven't been there. you have NOT been in my position. i am sorry. yeah, for all i know you could be worse off. but in all honesty, and im sorry for being selfish, but in all honesty its hard for me to even care when i hurt so bad. i can live. i can carry on with my daily life. but this scare burns my skin. burns my heart. burns my past. i can't even look at pictures from before. i can't bring myself to memories. everything would be better off erased because it can never exist anymore. and for that, i get scared to even care sometimes.

i miss you mom. i can't go on much longer. i really cannot bare it anymore. my heart hurts to much.

25 March 2008

this is what i did with my day off.

pardon the bad pictures....i took them tonight and the lighting was really bad. really dark and i had to use the flash....natural lighting is so much better. this is what i did with my day off...i really wish i had more time to do stuff like this. its soooo...."theraputic" haha. the picture that looks like eve isn't finished and the fish one started off as a doodle....so its a bit sloppy....the girl one originally had the bird in the cage but i felt that he looked too trapped, so i "freed" him....i kind of messed up a little when i tried to repaint his cage. oh well....

oh! i forgot to mention in my last entry that i just bought a new lens for my camera. its a $250 lens and the guy i bought it off of sold it to me for $175! i haven't really had a chance to use it yet [its a 50-200] but hopefully it will get nice outside and i can go on a mini-photo shoot soon. i also just purchased a new flash for my camera as well. i don't expect it to arrive until sometime next week, but i am so anxious! unfortunately i wont have it for the wedding that i am doing with mel on friday. no worries though.

so, i've been thinking about starting a project. i would say a year-long project but i am so inconsistant that i will not make any promises....anyway my idea is that i am going to make a 365-pictodiary. like take a picture everyday that i found interesting or something to represent my day...or myself. then i can look back at everything. i saw a couple done on flickr and they are really cool. we will see if i can keep up.

hmm...its getting late. i need to sleep....i'm going to post some pics from easter though really quick first.


24 March 2008

love is the flower, you've got to let it grow...

my lord, i need control.
well, it's true. i need to take action. i need more balance in my life. a balance in my life. God is my equilibrium.

it's weird. i had to pause because i felt as though my mother was just singing to me. a song she used to sing around the house. imprinting it in my head.

"i've got my wonderful savior, my blessed redeemer way down in the depths of my heart. where? way down in the depths of my heart. where? way down in the depths of my heart. i've got my wonderful savior, my blessed redeemer way down in the depths of my heart. way down in the depths of my heart to stay. and i'm so happy, so very happy. i've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t. and i'm so happy, so very happy. i've got the love of Jesus in my heart!"

that love. that unfailing love is the key to happiness. not life or even death can separate us from it. thank-you Jesus! yesterday was a great day. church was great. i felt my spirit tugging me back into another dimension of worship. i felt like i was honestly singing face to face with Him and not words alone. i know its my hearts cry to be one with Him, its just taking me a moment to get back to that point. we hit a few places today that struck my heart. especially in romans 6. [here it is in the message]

so what do we do? keep on sinning so God can keep on forgiving?...could it be any clearer? our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life...you are dead to sin and alive to God!...you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives.

there was so much more we talked about; i just paused on that.

after church was great as well. corey, uncle marc, avis and joshua stayed for dinner [we had ham]. i didn't have to work, so we played on the Wii all afternoon. i also accomplished a lot. i finished and submitted my student teaching application, as well as completed my chemical lab book, VOD quiz and notes, organized my schedule, relaxed and journaled!

oh, joy. i love it.

i've said enough....picture time.


i've been thinking of new things to make....i've been on a hummus and pita kick lately.....