08 July 2007

i look for sleep, but find none.

its a surreal discovery, when you recognize your own growth. when you can look back through the portal of time and see yourself...or even just a glimspe of the blurred mirage you think you were..can it measure up to today?...transformation slowly progresses and before we know it we evolve to new beings...a slightly similar shell with diversified mentalities.

i could have made myself sick tonight. like i have all day. those lyrics that came through the rental car speakers, hurt just as badly as the burning, salty tears i tried to hid behind over-sized sunglasses...i miss 2004...actually i would back it up even more....to where my family was whole. complete. to where we were traveling home, all 6 of us, from florida....together.

i will not deny my selfishness. i want her back. i must know what it takes to regain my life back. i am not the same. the harsh exterior that i expose towards this situation, is simply a facade. i am weak. i need a mother. i need my mother. I WANT HER BACK. i would do anything to see my dad's heart mended. to see my siblings hearts mended. to feel my heart mended.

tonight i read old posts. from when i was [ www.xanga.com/sassy_wahine ] remember those days? i've evolved. those entries i read are no longer me. i see where my happiness drained. i read those posts and it is like i was setting myself up to crash. everything i said i wouldn't, i did. i was that downer. i am that downer. my half full, flipped half empty. not even half empty...all the way empty. i was a happy child. i had a mother.

i miss her. and no one, even if they lost their mother or someone close can feel a sliver of my pain. my heart aches. every day. and the wound enlarges when i see my father bogged down with more sadness. god heals the broken hearted, yes. i believe it. but i cant help but crave her. i want my mother so badly, it honestly kills me. its killed that happy child. shes much older now. and has endured pain. real pain. real real pain.

i am sorry for not telling you the wonders of my vacation away from reality. because everytime dad paid for 5....not 6....more salt poured into the wounded creavices....everytime there is an odd man out....my tears burn deeper....everytime i see you hate your mother....i hate you....i am green....i am envy....b/c my mother deserves to bring back the happy child.

for now im finished typing but i'll be honest....my pillow is soaked in tears.